My guest today is the owner of two publishing houses, Wild Child and Freya's Bower. She also happens to be an editor extraordinary and a talented wordsmith. Be sure to take advantage of WCP and FB's February specials! Join their newsletter and get 40% off a purchase of a purchase of $5 or more.
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But enough about business :) Let's see what Marci has to say about love!
Before you can start a new relationship, you have to end the old one. Whether it was the most recent one you just left, or that one you keep thinking “if only,” you have to let it go to find your next victim, er, lover. (grin) If you don’t do that, you’ll hop from one…man to the next, dissatisfied with every single one of them not sure why you can’t find that one hubba hubba to be with for however long you want. (Two days, a week, a month, a year, 50 years, etc.)
This is the voice of experience—or at least my experience. And I’ve seen it happen time and time again with my friends too.
This is the voice of experience—or at least my experience. And I’ve seen it happen time and time again with my friends too.
You see, a few, or more, years before I met my husband, I dated…a few men. (grin) My last boyfriend before my husband, I knew from the beginning he wasn’t “the one.” Of course, when I met him, I was nowhere near being ready to meet “the one,” so that really didn’t bother me. And when I finally broke up with him, it was three years later, and I still wasn’t ready for that special someone.
We stayed friends. It was hard, but we managed. And when he finally met someone new…well, I didn’t see it coming. I wasn’t prepared. I thought I was over him. I spent an entire day crying, and I asked myself, “Do I still love him?”
The answer eluded me, at least that night. In the morning, I saw things a little more clearly. What I was crying about wasn’t the fact that he found someone else or that I loved him and wanted him back, but that I was afraid with him taken, I would be alone for the rest of my life. That prospect scared me. (Seems silly, I know, but I was 29 at the time. People constantly asked me when I was going to get married, or how come I wasn’t married with kids, or… Well, you get the picture. And so, I thought I was rapidly approaching that time in my life where I would be an unwanted, unlovable old maid, if I hadn’t reached it already. Oh, the drama!)
That realization set me free, and finally, I was ready to meet someone new. It took a few years, and a few really scary dates, but I found “the one” when I was ready for him, and okay being with myself.
So, as hard as it was, I had to let go of the old (in this case, old fears that somehow were mixed up with letting go the old boyfriend) to start the new life of love that awaited me. Of course, some of my old flames will always hold a special place in my heart. They will, just not the same special place my new and forever love holds.
Did you find you that once you let go of your last love, you were open to new love finding you?
14 comments:
OH MY GOODNESS MARCI! It's like you were talking to me, lol. Granted, I'm aware that I am not unique in the world but I tell you, this was perfect... Save for the fact that I recognize I am not open and have just sort of decided to embrace it. :) Wait til you read my blog in a couple of days, you'll understand!
Grayson
Oh, thank goodness! I had my MIL read this because I wasn't sure if it was appropriate. You know, too preachy or some such thing. (I have a tendency to be teacher-esque. I can't seem to help myself. LOLOLOL) It's nice to know I'm not the only one who's been through this.
I can't wait to read your blog, Grayson. :)
I warn you, it's likely to be a bit reminiscent of what you probably sounded like at te 29yo stage :). I will say that I'm not bemoaning being unattached, just focusing (laserlike) on the benefits!
And I like teacher-esque... It's close to but more readily accepted than one of the attributes I get saddled with: bossy.
Grayson
I attended the wedding of my high-school sweetheart. I didn't think it would bother me, but I had a horrible time trying not to cry that day. It bothered me all week. Did I still love him? Yes. But we couldn't get along for more than a week before we'd start fighting. We still care for another this day, but the love is different now. It's part of the past, but if the other needed help, we'd be there for one another.
This is a tough one for me... I will say my forever love and I didn't figure out how to make things work until I had let go of certain expectations- and that was also true for the baggage I carried along from my previous relationship. Ultimately, I think, things are "easier" with that forever love when people are comfortable with themselves and know what they want, what's important to them and what isn't.
Good post, Marci- it really got me thinking!
Coming from a strict Southern Baptist family, I went through a period around 17 when only "bad boys" peaked my interest. One particular boy had the worst reputation, but I kept pretending I could change him. Who knows what would've happened if he hadn't cheated on me with one of my best friends. How did I find out? She turned up pregnant. We ended the relationship, and he ended up in a mental institution because of an addiction to drugs. The very next year I met my husband, and we've been happily married almost 32 years. He's the most decent, honorable man I've ever met. The only explanation for my narrow exscape with certain disaster is that God must've been watching over me.
I married at 19, probably because I felt pressured too! Extremely silly at that age. It hasn't always been easy, but after 30+ years, we're still together. And I never would have guessed it at the time (he was a bad boy!), but he's been the most stabilizing influence, and my greatest support. So we all take our own paths.
I missed the friendship more than anything. It takes a while to break the bond you form with someone. I don't think it matters what age you are, you can get it right at 19, or breakup at 48 as one of my friends did.
Well, I claim teacher-esque, Grayson, but I am sure others think I am bossy. (g)
And, you know, 29 was a pretty good year, once I became comfortable with where I was in my life and stopped letting the expectations I wasn't even aware I had. (I think I always thought I'd be married by 26, but when you are a teenager, 26 seems really old. LOL)
Faith,
My high school sweetheart and I don't talk. Not because of me, but because of him and his wife most likely. I still care for him, but it's kind of a "he was my first love" way and not a "in love with him." I wish him much, much happiness in his life.
Expectations can kill a relationship, Kimberly--any relationship. It's hard not to have some expectations. When I finally met the one, I had expectations on how I wanted to be treated and how I would treat him as well. That came from hard won experience. Being older, I also had a better sense of who I was too. :)
You are right about being comfortable with ourselves to be happy with any one. It's still true even now. If I am unhappy with me, God help anyone around me. LOL
I'm glad you enjoyed the post. :)
Definitely, Dee. You must have had someone watching out for you.
I don't think any relationship is completely without it's trials and tribulations. When you can survive them together, that says something about your relationship and love for each other. :)
Cate,
It's not strange. My first boyfriend and I dated for 5 years. We'd been dating for two years while I was in high school. When I graduated from high school, everyone expected us to get married. There was that pressure there.
Honestly, I was just too young and immature to embark on that at that time. Had I, he probably would have been my first divorce. Not that he was a bad man, just that we were young, I was opinionated (no comment from you, Faith. ;)), and it just wouldn't have worked out.
BTW, he's a doctor now. I am not a doctor's-wife type of gal. I like to be the center of my hubby's world, and my daughter and I are. :)
It's true, Maggi. While sex and love are very important in a relationship, so is the friendship. Without it, you won't last very long.
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