How to Get Laid, the Intro

As promised, I'm sharing an excerpt today of my WIP How to Get Laid Like A Billionaire-Superhero-Pirate-Cowboy-Rockstar-Fireman, copyright 2013 Cindy Jacks, Rave Studios all rights reserved.

Enjoy!

Introduction

The powerful tool you’re not using

Sex.

Whether you’ve been married for fifty years, are just starting a relationship, or are still looking for Ms. Right/Ms. Right-Now, sex is important. More and more studies these days confirm what some of us already knew: Sex―that is good and frequent sex―is the key to our health and happiness and bonds us to our partners. Easier said than done, isn’t it? Especially when you don’t have a partner to begin with or your current partner has lost interest.

I’ll be the first to admit women say one thing and crave another. What’s up with that? It’s simple. We’re bombarded with messages that good girls don’t (yes, even in this day and age) and we want you guys to think we are good, especially if you are someone we’re interested in for more than one night.

Good girls don’t jump into bed on the first date. Good girls don’t give blowjobs and they especially don’t swallow. Good girls don’t ask for anal and if they give in to a man’s request, they certainly don’t enjoy it. But there is hope. There is a bad girl in every woman and it’s your job to unlock her.

“How the hell do I that?” you ask. Well, gentleman, I’m about to give you the keys to the castle:

Romance novels or more specifically, erotic romance novels. Never heard of erotic romance? It’s chick porn. But more than that it’s a roadmap to what women really want in bed. It’s the most powerful tool most of you aren’t using.

Don’t believe me? Just check out the genre on Amazon….Go ahead, I’ll wait. There’s a reason smutty ebooks targeting women’s sexual desires comprise a billion dollar industry. The fact of the matter is we read these books because we want you, real flesh and blood men, to seduce us and fuck us as if you just got out of prison. Unfortunately, most of you don’t. Sorry. The truth hurts.

Perhaps it’s because you’ve bought into the myth that women don’t like sex or maybe you don’t know how. And I’m also guessing you ain’t interested in reading one of those books. I don’t blame you, some are real pieces of crap. So I’ve done your homework for you, gentlemen.

Keep reading and you’ll discover there are really ten easy steps to seducing **any woman, including that hot girl at the office who won’t give you the time of day or, for you married guys, your wife who more often than not claims she’s got a headache. Take a look at her Kindle or iPad. She’s going to bed with someone every night, it’s just not you.

But it could be…

**Disclaimer: By “any” woman, I mean any sexually active, heterosexual woman. If you’re hunting lesbians, virgins, or nuns, I’m not sure I can help.

How to get laid like a billionaire, superhero, pirate, cowboy, rockstar, or fireman

Bet that title got your attention, didn't it? It's meant to be provocative, but I'm sure you guessed that already.
During my triumphant return to the laptop, I ran across a piece I haven't touched in five years. A little golden nugget languishing on my cloud.

The idea started five years ago whilst chatting with an old friend. He frequents the ComiCon circuit, dreams of graphic novel stardom never far from his mind. Aside from trying to recruit me as a booth babe (ha! as if they make Spanx powerful enough for that to happen...well, they probably do, but that's not the point), he told me to pack up my erotic romance books and join he and his crew when they were working a Con near me. They would sell like hotcakes.

Okay, here's part of the problem: most of my books at the time were virtual. It's hard to sell a download, I know it can be done, but I was also bound by a pretty persnickity publisher at the time so, well, not to sound like a broken record, but it was complicated.

But what if I came up with something of my own creation to flog at the Con? We brainstormed and came up with the idea for a tongue-in cheek "how to" manual.

MBH has always marveled at the female fascination with romance, even erotica novels (which he understands a little more). Okay, but he's a real life superhero so women are constantly throwing pussy at him. But what about the regular dudes out there? The ones frequenting ComiCon? Couldn't they benefit from the wisdom that every woman knows: If you only emulated about 31% of the stuff we read about in our spank bank, then you would be golden.

That's how How to Get Laid Like a Billionaire-Superhero-Pirate-Cowboy-Rockstar-Fireman was born. Is it a serious how-to manual? No, c'mon, y'all know me. I do envision an entire marketing franchise with buttons and t-shirts and coffee mugs that read "I know how to get laid like a BSPCRF!" for the gentleman and "My man went to ComicCon and all he learned was how to f@%k like a BSPCRF!" for the ladies. It's all copyrighted so don't get any ideas. Problem is, I never finished the damn book. Ha!

But if I had a nickel for every time a male of the species lamented to me that they'll never understand what women want, I wouldn't be working the EDJ, I'll tell you that much. Gentlemen, pick up a romance novel, preferably erotic romance because that will really give you the keys to the kingdom. Hint: you don't have to be Christian Grey but try smacking your wife's ass and pulling her hair at strategic times during coitus. It'll open up a whole new world. Make sure she's cool with that first, don't want anyone going to work with a black eye tomorrow being all like, "Thanks, Cindy!"

VURRRP....

My apologies, I threw up a little in my mouth for having made a 50 Shades reference. God I hate that franchise. So many better books. SO MANY BETTER WRITERS OUT THERE....okay, breathe, Cindy, just breathe.

I see How to Get Laid as Cliff's Notes for those not willing to wade through a genre they have no interest in. I get it. I never actually read Pride and Prejudice in high school. I know some folks swear by Jane Austen and I respect her as a trailblazer, but I'm sorry, the woman was wordy.

I flipped through the tome and read the parts I could stand and got a B minus on my exam. It's kinda the same thing with ER novels. You can't just flip through and read the juicy bits. There's a whole lot of backstory and swagger that gets the heroine into bed in between the juicy bits and in this case you do not want to get a B minus on your final exam, gentlemen. That will not get you repeat business, em kay?

I'll post excerpts here over the coming weeks (pun not intended) to keep you up with the progress.

Cheers,
Cindy

Bigmouth Strikes Again

Nothing pleases a writer more than a reader having a real and powerful emotional reaction to something they've written. Unless that reaction is hurt feelings. Not because what the writer wrote offended their sensibilities, but because the piece was about them and there was awful backlash to this portrayal.

Seeing yourself through someone else's eyes is daunting and I always consider what I am saying before I ever base a character or use a real life event as the basis for a story or article. What nerves will I touch? Was this a private moment not to be shared? Will others recognize about whom I write and will this cause problems for them either personally or professionally? But first and foremost, I always ask permission before using personal information in my writing.

As for the latest case of open laptop, insert foot, I never saw this friend's hurt coming. I'd asked permission. I'd explained exactly what I would be writing about and was given a whole-hearted thumbs up. Only caveat: they had to be able to read the finished problem. Por supuesto!

The fly in the ointment came when they shared the article with someone close. A bit of party foul, but not being a writer they're to our etiquette. Not to mention, I'd forgotten an info sharing situation. Big oops on my part. I wrote the piece for a very specific audience and their boo was not on that list. But since I hadn't spelled out FYEO, I couldn't get upset about it.

So, writers, how much responsibility do we bear as observers and chroniclers of the world we live in? I know readers do not have a right to all the secrets, thoughts, and feelings we collect, but it's those same gritty details that take a good piece to great. How much do you worry about using real life? Have you ever offended someone by your portrayal of them? And if so, how did you fix it, if indeed you were able to fix it?

Fortunately for me the drama I caused calmed down pretty quickly. Sorry, Batman!



Cheers,
Cindy

Rebranding is a bitch!

You'll notice the half-naked chick and the bad girl fiction stuff is all gone from my blog. I will still maintain my backlog of erotic romance as independently published and I may write a bit more when the mood strikes. I do have to say I don't miss churning out the books, desperate for sales and new ways to connect stems and valves.

My new tagline is "It's complicated". Not original, I know, but it sums up my life to a tee right now. What you can expect from me going forward are honest short-stories and novellas about how fucked up life can be. Of course with a dash of my signature humor. Humor does come from pain after all.

Creating the new logo was a breeze which I love.  I used Canva and can highly recommend it for logos, book covers, Twitter covers, Instagram posts and more. Their stock photos are cheap and there is a lot to choose from.

The photo in the new logo, however, is NO stock photo. It is a real pic of my hotel floor about a year ago after a night of grown-up fun. When I woke up and stumbled to the bathroom, the crumpled clothes, empty bottle of booze, and rope gave me an odd sense of pride. We'd done the night before justice. Yes, we had. And yes, that's real firefighter-grade bail out rope. No fuzzy handcuffs for me, thank you very much.

No, the bitch has been stripping Blogger, Twitter, Facebook, Amazon author page, Istagram and Snapchat of my old fucking logo. I would pay someone else to do that crap, but I'm a control freak. So it's a pain-in-the-ass of my own making.

As for the actual writing, it has been a joy. Once I figured out the the glitches holding me back, I'm in top form again. Words coming faster than I can type. It's nothing short of elating.

I have two novellas in progress, one titled Shelter Me, detailing what I imagine is my neurotic rescue dog's backstory and reaction to becoming a family pet. The other is titled, The Last Year of Her Life. This one hits as little too close to home right now as what started as fiction has begun to happen for real with my mother. Wish me luck!

As for everything else I have cooking, I will keep you posted. I may have a few freelance positions on the horizon. We shall see.

Cheers,
Cindy

Alive and kicking

Due to unforeseen complications, a two and a half year hiatus from my writing career proved inevitable. Family illness, publishers dying without paying me my royalties, and my never-ending sense that I can walk away from writing. Believe me, if I could do something else that hasn't ripped my heart out and stomped on it so fucking many times, I would.

But I can't.

The thing is though I've been paid to write on many an occasion, I am not a professional writer. I am not an avid writer, nor am I a freelance writer.

What I am is a born writer. For as long as I can remember, the only way to stop the chaos in my head was to get the words out. Turns out, I'm pretty damn good at stringing them together, too.

Do I promise I will never abandon you, dear readers, ever again. I do not. I have a mother with stage four cancer, a pubescent son, a complicated love life, and a mortgage. All that given, I will do my best stay true as long and often as I can. And like a bad penny or that lover you can't seem to quit, I will always return.

What I will promise you is to always tell you the truth. I will pour out my heart and soul and dip my pen in my own blood. I often cry when writing and that's how I've found the truth because as we all know, the truth fucking hurts.

I am also working on getting my backlog on Amazon CreateSpace and a few other venues so at least my previously published works are back out there.

Heart mended from the crushing blow dealt by a certain publisher who shall remain nameless and head on straight that no fucking way in hell do I WANT to be a pharmacist. I'm back.

I hope this time it is for good.

Cheers,
Cindy