Sunday, June 22, 2008

Letting It All Hang Out

Ahhh—Summer. Lazy days, fun days, hot days that are perfect for cooling off at the pool. I’m lucky enough to have a pool membership as part of my condo perks. Some days at the pool are a joy. I’ve been known to sneak discreet glances at the sleek, young man-candy that shows up—usually in packs to which I say the more the merrier. But alas yesterday, there was no joy in Poolville. Quite the opposite, it was saggy, flabby, too-small-suit day. Now before you say I’m being cruel, let me first say that I too have my limitations as I get older and I have embraced them. Long ago I traded in my string bikini for a tasteful one-piece or board shorts and a tankini. I figure the more covered the better, I’m sure one day a full body wetsuit will be required.

I thought I’d share with you my top five bathing suit horrors I witnessed:

5. Escape of the Side Boob – Being a full figured gal up top, I know the importance of adequate support. Make sure your suit has enough cup fabric to keep those bad boys in check. While the teenage boys much enjoyed the plight of this unsuspecting young woman, the rest of there were on the edge of our proverbial seats, waiting to see if the quivering mound of breast was going to free itself and bob along the surface of the water.

4. Got Man-boob? – The British Supreme Court recently ruled man-boobs are not sexual in nature—when it comes to anything but rock hard pecs, I'd have to agree with them, sex is the last thing on my mind. Come on guys, if you’ve got more than a B cup, get yourself a swim shirt.

3. Bozo the Clown – Now I know I just posted a blog about manscaping and I poked a little fun at it, but really, if your going to wear small swim trunks, a trim is in order. No one needs to see Mr. Happy’s ‘sideburns’. The same goes for Miss Kitty, ladies.

2. The Speedo-Devouring Butt – There is a widely held belief that one should not go swimming for 30 minutes after eating. I would say the same is true for butts. If your ass is chewing on your swimsuit, please, for the love of god, don’t make the rest of us at the pool watch it! Better yet, it might be time to trade up to a larger suit.

and number 1…drum roll please…Laying the Hairy Egg! – This would be the male equivalent to the side boob dilemma, however, it’s much more shocking. We ladies are well aware that it is impolite to sit with our legs sprawled open…well guys, guess what, no matter what suit you’re wearing, if you’re in a lounge chair legs akimbo, chances are, we can see your naughty bits…and yes, it looks very much like you are laying a hairy egg!

In closing, when choosing a swimming outfit, keep one simple rule in mind. You’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating—Just say NO to crack

So now it's your turn, everyone share your poolside horror stories!

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Eliza Knight said...

Oh you poor thing!!! That's terrible! lol!

Don't you wish they listed those rules at the gate of the pool?

Jade Twilight said...

Cindy- Great post. It reminded me of when the hubby and I were dating. We went to Enchanted Forest a water park here in NY. Well I went down one of the water slides and when I hit the water, my top came clean off. Talk about embarrassed. Ever since I've opted for one pieces at those places. lol.

Cindy Jacks said...

LOL...great idea, Eliza! They absolutely should!

Cindy Jacks said...

Jade--you poor thing. I think we all have that moment. I was in high school! They called me 'Water Wings' for the rest of the summer. Argh!

Desirée Lee said...

I don't go to pools usually. My biggest pool horror was something totally different. I drowned in one once. If it weren't for the lifeguard on duty, I wouldn't be here. Pools still freak me out.

I went in the pool at my former apartment complex a few years ago because my friends badgered me into it. Thankfully there were no mishaps then like those you described.

After reading this, I see it as more reasons to continue to avoid pools! *LOL*

Carpe Noctem,

Desirée Lee
Putting the Romance Back in Necromancy

Nannette Hawkins said...

OMG Cindy! I'm in tears at my desk. Everyone is wondering what I'm laughing at. I got such a visual from your descriptions. I may never go to the pool again. ;)

Sagewhistler said...

Well here is my pool horror story...

I used to go to the public pool in Fulton Park all the time when I was in my early teens. This one time we were all in the pool having a good time, splashing around when someone let out a shriek. I swear it was like a scene out of jaws. So everyone is like wtfreak, and we all start scrambling out of the pool because it's like instinct or something. By the time I'm standing on the sidewalk I look at the crystal clear water and see what looks like a candy bar floating around. UGH! Dunno who MR/MS nasty was, heck it could have been a kid, but that was it for me that day.

2. One time I was near this guy who was standing still a long time, I look down and see a yellow cloud surrounding his body before he swam off--needless to say I hightailed it in the other direction

I'd rather see a hairy crack then be in the pool with people just letting it loose. *g*

Cindy Jacks said...

I'm so glad everyone enjoyed this blog. Thanks for all the comments, guys. And Nannette, I'm sorry I made you giggle at work...again, lol.